It’s no secret that I’m a perfectionist. I hold onto control for dear life, like I’m sitting on one of those mechanical bulls. Swaying and gripping and trying not to fall, I do whatever I can in my power to control the uncontrollable force that is life and human complexity.
When I inevitably fall off the mechanical bull, it stings. I bruise. I think to myself, What could I have done to hold on tighter? What can I do differently so that I don’t fall off next time?
Each time I fall, I learn that falling is inevitable. I (reluctantly) come to terms with it. But once I hop back on the bull again, sometimes I forget. Not falling off becomes the ultimate goal once again.
I have a complicated relationship to “the rules.” Perhaps it’s the potent combination of religious indoctrination, people pleasing, my gender expression, racial identity, and neurodivergence.
When confronted with spoken or unspoken rules, I feel an internal pressure to do everything perfectly.
If I don’t do things perfectly, people won’t trust me.
If I don’t do things perfectly, I’ll let people down.
If I don’t do things perfectly, I’ll feel disappointed in myself.
If I don’t do things perfectly, I’ll feel embarrassed.
If I don’t do things perfectly, I’ll probably go to jail for accidental tax fraud or owe the IRS a bajillion dollars.
When confronted with spoken or unspoken rules, I also can feel resentful.
Why is this so important to you?
Why do I have to do it this way?
This isn’t that big of a deal, who cares?
Why are you making this so complicated?
F*ck that, f*ck you.
(⬆️ HOW YOUR EMAIL USUALLY FINDS ME)
Embracing Mindful Rebellion 🤘
When people ask me how to “be more consistent,” my go-to answer is to be intentionally inconsistent.
Years and years ago, when I was still knee-deep in neurotypical self-help culture, I read a book called Finish by Jon Acuff. My biggest takeaway from the book, something that I’m only just now realizing contributes to my consistency mentality, is that sometimes you have to choose which balls you’re going to drop.
I cannot possibly be the perfect marketer, business owner, employee, sister, daughter, friend, roommate, cat mom, U.S. citizen, community member, etc. at the same time. (I technically can’t be the perfect any of that at any time, but don’t tell my brain that!)
With every big goal, season of life or business, there will be high and low priorities. With all the plates you’re juggling at any given moment, some are going to fall and break if you don’t choose to put them back in the cupboard for a bit.
I don’t forsee myself ever not being a perfectionist, no matter how many books I read, podcasts I listen to, therapy I do, or communities I join. As long as I live in a capitalist society and have to “earn” a living, I will probably be striving for perfection. When I make a mistake, it’s going to initially feel like the end of the world to my nervous system. I’ve learned tools along the way to help mitigate those feelings, but that doesn’t stop them from happening in the first place.
Broken plates aren’t the end of the world. But if they feel like the end of the world to you, wouldn’t it be better to mindfully choose which ones to put down?
Micro-dosing Imperfection 🤓
Here’s a control freak’s key to losing control… have some control over where you’re going to lose control. LOL.
A while ago, I reinstalled the Autocorrecting Daddy that is Grammarly on my browser. I can’t remember why I did it but it was probably some perfectionist spiral about misspelling something in a newsletter or growing tired of obsessively Googling whether or not two words should be hyphenated. (I purposely did not Google ‘micro-dosing’ so do me a huge favor and don’t correct me if I’m wrong!)
As a former copy editor, grammar has always been something I look out for. When I re-read something I wrote and catch a misspelling, I kick myself. I still remember some of my biggest typos in school and published work.
But Grammarly is effing annoying.
With Grammarly, the creative liberties I take in my writing are second-guessed, shamed by red and yellow underlines. Yes, I know that was a run-on sentence — I’m doing it for comedic effect1!
I recently decided not to allow my perfectionism to wreck my creative flow when it comes to writing. I’m pretty sure y’all aren’t here for my comma placements and perfect hyphenations anyway…
So if my spelling gets a little out of control, it’s okay… because I’m in control of not caring.
What plates are you putting away? 🍽️
That’s just one example of how I pre-decide what plate I’m going to stop spinning, for my own sanity.
Another one is response time via email. I had to un-train my brain after working in corporate America for so long that emails are not emergencies. If it takes me a few days to get back to someone, that’s okay.
Sometimes the plates (or balls, if you’re Sporty Spice) I choose to put away/drop are seasonal or situational. When I’m going through a tough time, I allow myself to show up imperfectly in relationships. I may not respond to texts, or ask people how they’re doing as often as I’d like.
If I’m in a busy season, I will probably show up on social media or Substack a lot less, or at least differently. (I stopped writing Mindful Little Emails back in February because it was getting to be too much. I’m not sure when I’ll start juggling that plate again but it’s safely tucked away for now.)
Soooo… what plates/balls/bulls(?) are you going to put down/drop/get off of this summer? Would love to hear!!
With peace, love and broken plates,
Andrea
A perfectionist’s way of pre-communicating imperfection
Here are some easy prompts that you can make your own:
[For email signatures]
Excuse any typos! I won’t judge yours either.
My response time does not = how important your email is to me. Appreciate your patience!
I respect boundaries around personal time and rest. If you receive this email while enjoying either, please respond when you’re back to work. I promise to do the same!
My typical response time is 48 hours, but I’m only human! I appreciate your patience.
[For potential clients you want to work with but can’t take on right now]
Hi [name],
I’m so honored you want to work with me, and I’d like to work with you too! Right now, I’m committing my time and energy to other projects.
I’d like to give you the best value and experience, which requires more bandwidth than I have at the moment. Would you be willing to wait [number of weeks/months] to get started?
Again, I’d love to work with you but I understand if our timelines don’t align. Let me know your thoughts.
Thanks,
[name]
[For social media posts or bios]
[Platform name] isn’t a really [fun/helpful/enjoyable] place for me to show up right now. You can get the best of me/my work here: [URL to newsletter or other platform]
I don’t check DMs often so feel welcome to connect with me here instead: [email or contact link]
[For friends and family]
Hey there. I know I haven’t been as responsive lately. I’m [working on something important to me/going through something difficult/not feeling like myself/etc.] right now. [Can I reach back out to you when I’m ready?/Can you check back in with me in a few weeks?/I may not be responsive for a little while longer, I hope you understand/etc.] [Appreciate/love/miss] you.